My neighbor Lorinda always says that people never know how they will react to life situations. OK, so you may think you know. But you really don't know until you are experiencing it. Her wisdom comes from when her husband died. She thought she would react one way, but struggled to act that way to a point. I find myself struggling with the same reaction. My situation is completely different. But the similarity is that I really thought I was a different person than I really am.
In March I was fired from my job as a teacher. The reasoning was that I wasn't militant enough to work at the school. The school was very militant in that students were to sit at attention and speak only when the teacher snapped her fingers. Those that know me, know that is not my personality at all. I was pulled into the office and told that I was way to patient and tolerant. Some would think those good characteristics. But they treated me like I was against them and in the end, fired me.
I really thought I was a forgiving type of person. I have had my grudges. I have thought mean things about people. But I have always tried to let go of my grudges and replace my mean thoughts. I have even sought forgiveness when needs be.
Then this whole thing with the school happened. It has really been a hit to my ego. I feel less of a person. I feel like I have been mentally attacked. The worst part of it is, there is nothing to do but move on. If only I could.
I think it will help to have Porter at a different school. It didn't help getting e-mails and letters from the teacher that replaced me. It didn't help that I knew what they were doing in class. It didn't help that I had to keep going to the school to drop and pick Porter up.
Today was just like another rock on top of the pile they have already thrown at me. Porter brought home his yearbook. They did not have any pictures of me. They made sure that there was not any trace of me having taught second grade for 140 days out of 188 days. What a slap in the face.
So it all comes back to where I started this musing. What happened to the person that lets go of grudges? What happened to replacing mean thoughts? What kind of person have I become?
Shouldie, Moab, and More!
2 days ago
5 comments:
I can't imagine what this has been like for you. I think you are completely justified in feeling the way you do- not that you should let it fester, but your feelings are totally valid.
Sounds like today that wound was reopened. You need time to heal. I didn't know you had a child going to the same school- geez. How in the world were you supposed to move on when you were still tied to the place? Burn the friggin yearbook, then write yourself a nice letter. Tell yourself how awesome you are, what a good mom, wife, friend, teacher and person you are. Because you are. So there.
This too shall pass, and you will be stronger and better because of it. I know it's easy for me to say that, but I truly do believe it.
First of all, I completely agree with what Katrina says. She's right. You are justified in how you feel. I would feel the same way too.
About 3 months ago, I was in a really bad place in my life. I was letting feelings of anger and hatred consume me. Derek and I were still in our legal battle with 7 Peaks; we had gone as far as to get a lawer. I was bound and determined to get even with them. Not only had we gone through months of suffering because of Derek's shoulder, and the inability for him to get a job, but they had gone back on their promise to pay for the injury, which put us in a terrible position financially. During the April 2010 session of conference, I heard a talk given by Donald L. Hallstrom which seemed like it was direced to me. This was one of my favorite quotes from the talk:
"His most exemplary act, the Atonement, required Jesus to descend “below all things” (D&C 88:6) and suffer “the pains of all men” (2 Nephi 9:21). Thus we understand the Atonement has broader purpose than providing a means to overcome sin. This greatest of all earthly accomplishments gives the Savior the power to fulfill this promise: 'If ye will turn to the Lord with full purpose of heart, and put your trust in him, and serve him with all diligence . . . , if ye do this, he will . . . deliver you out of bondage'"
I relized the only way I could let this go was with the help of the Savior. So my prayers changed, and I began praying for the strength to let it go. After a lot of prayer, we decided to drop the lawsuit and pay the money that Seven Peaks had origianlly contracted to pay. I just wanted it to be done so I could start healing from it. Although I still know we were in the right, and they were in the wrong, I don't feel that anger anymore. I feel like I am happier and stronger, and I am beginning to see the blessings which came into my life as a result of our trial
I understand your anger and pain. I would feel the same way. Your wounds are still fresh, and it makes it hard to heal. But as you continue to turn toward the Savior, he will continue to help you heal.
Here's the link to the talk if you are interested. It's a really good one.
http://lds.org/conference/talk/display/0,5232,23-1-1207-25,00.html
I hope all goes well for you over the next year. If you need someone to put down as a reference, I would be more than happy to oblige. Let me know if there is anything I can do for you. I think you are a wonderful woman, a wonderful mom, and a wonderful teacher. If I was a Elementary Principal, I would hire you in a second!
I am struggling very much with grudges right now as well. The same thought processes have been going through my head, that I once thought of myself as a patient and forgiving person, but I find myself focusing on all the bad things about certain people/situations and letting those wounds fester. I don't have any advice to offer, just to say that I know how you feel and I hope you can find peace with it sooner rather than later.
I'm so sorry they are treating you like that. Hopefully you will feel better once your son isn't going there anymore and you can get some closure. If not, Katrina and I can totally go egg the school.
Hang in there!
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