De Ann's Clan

Sunday, November 2, 2014

Praying for Trails

A Counselor in my bishopric bore his testimony about trials and how trials strengthen him in the areas he needs strength.  He said he had been praying for trials so he can learn the things he needs to learn.  I kept thinking the entire rest of sacrament meeting about how I can't pray for more trials because I haven't overcome the ones I have.  Is there a time limit on trials?  Do some last until you learn what you are supposed to learn?  What if I never learn what I am supposed to learn from a trial?  Does that mean those trials will never go away?

There were some great testimonies and I did listen to them.  But I still had this nagging voice in the background telling me what I am supposed to learn from my trials.  I kept thinking about these lessons and what was keeping me from learning what I needed to learn.  I came away from sacrament with a pounding headache. 

It seems like Sundays are the days that I look at my shortcomings and realize how far off track I am.  I am disappointed in me and I wish I was that person I knew I was going to become when I was a child.  It makes me think of the decisions I have made and made me wonder how I got here in the first place. 

I don't think that I earn special trials come just because of mistakes I myself have made.  Trials can come because of those around me and the choices they have made, among other things.  Sometimes trials come to teach me things I need to know in the future.  Trials don't always come just because of a bad choice.  Trails are just a part of life.  It is hard looking just in the present and trying to understand why I am dealing with the things I am dealing with. 

When I met with my mission president on the last day of my mission, I told him that I didn't feel like I had served a mission.  He was puzzled by my statement.  I tried to explain that I thought I would finish my mission being exalted because of all my hard work.  Instead, it was just the end of one experience and the beginning of another. 

So, when can this phase of my life end and lead to friendlier, easier phases?  Please don't tell me that it keeps getting harder.  I would like to believe that there are easier days ahead.  I am not trying to be negative.  I am just trying to understand why life gets so hard sometimes.

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