Looking Back

Right before my mission I started to feel this pain in my hand right by my thumb. I thought nothing of it. I figured it was tendinitis or something. I was going on a mission and that was what I was focusing on.

After a few months in Germany I became very sick. It didn't surprise me because we were on bikes all day in rain and snow. I was in bed for a week. I remember how hard it was to get out of bed just to eat. I went to see a doctor and he told me I was just having cramps. My German sucked at the time, so I knew I just didn't explain my symptoms right. I just started taking a lot of Ibuprofen and doing the mission work.

The pain in my thumb started to spread. I took over both my hands. I went to the doctor and she told me I must have been bitten by a tick. I explained that I hadn't seen signs of a tick. But that didn't get me anywhere.

Did I mention that I served in what once was East Germany? It was five years after the wall came down and the doctors were still forty years behind the rest of the world. I was beginning to understand that the doctors in East Germany wouldn't be able to help me.

I transferred to my next city. I had a German companion and my German improved dramatically.

The pain spread to my back and legs. Okay, so it was all over. But I was not about to be sent home. I tried not to let anyone know the extent to the pain I was in. My companion was able to communicate with a doctor. He started giving me cortisone shots in my back. That helped tremendously. My companion and I worked our tails off. I was so thankful I was able to keep working hard. I did not want to be known as one of the "sick sisters".

Fast forward a couple of months. My mission president heard that I was in a lot of pain. He knew I was still working hard and that I didn't want to go home. He decided to transfer me to a bigger city where I could see more specialized doctors. When he told me I would be transferred, he gave me a special blessing. The blessing stated that I would be out of pain and able to work until I was able to see a doctor in the new area. I had many blessing previously, but this one was a true miracle. The pain vanished. I had been to a point that I couldn't even touch things without a shock going through my body. I didn't know how I was possibly going to pack my bags and drag them on a train. But the pain vanished.

I really want to stop writing because I am afraid to share these things. I am afraid what people will think or how they will perceive me. It was a dark time in my life, but I was determined to stay on my mission and work hard. But if I stop here, I won't ever get to my main point.

When I saw the doctor in my new area, she looked at me with such immediate concern. She told me I was in bad shape and that I needed to be admitted to the hospital. I refused. I knew about East German medicine and the hospitals. She referred me a specialized doctor.

He was the final doctor I saw in Germany. He diagnosed me with Rheumatic Fever and gave me penicillin shots. He stocked me up on Prednizone and more Penicillin to take with me the rest of my mission. Then he sucked out all the fluid that had been building up in my knee. He truly made it possible for me to serve the rest of my mission.

Prednisone is a funny thing. It helped me manage the pain. But Prednisone is also a steroid. I would take it in the morning and I was unstoppable. We would do all the door-to-door in the morning and leave the visits till later in the day when my energy started to wear down.

By the end of my mission, I had thrashed my body. I was walking with a limp and my knees were swollen. I had gotten to a point where I couldn't jump. But after a year and a half of feeling like that and working anyway, I had accepted my fate. I knew I would never be normal again. I was damaged goods. I can't tell you how scared I was to come home and let everyone see how disfigured I had become.

Those that know me now probably think I am making this all up. That's a good thing. That tells you that I came home and recovered. I regained my movement. I minimized the pain. I married and had four children. I can tell you how thankful I am.

I write this all because the pain has come back in my hands. Two weeks ago it was just in my fingers. Each day it has spread a little more. I look back at what I have endured and I am not afraid to say that I am worried. I am worried that I will have to go through what I did before. I am afraid that I will be in the pain I was in before. I am afraid people will start looking at me with the pity that they did before. I am afraid I will loose my movement again. I am afraid.

I keep asking Don if I really should blog this. I don't want everyone to feel bad for me. It is really hard for me to share. I have started taking Glucosamine, Chondroitin, fish oil and every other natural thing I can get my hands on. I am still looking for the magic cure and am open to any advice.